General Rogers And His Army Of Mindless Zombies

They were a captive audience. Any more captive, and they would have been there against their will.

His charisma clutched at them with a force equal to blunt head trauma. It muddied their minds and stirred up their emotions to a fury. They would follow him into battle. They would commit genocide for him. They would denounce their parents to the secret police, and smile as they recalled the betrayal.

They were his to command, and command them he did.

"Let's make the most of this beautiful day. Come with me as we travel to the land of Make Believe."

The Life Of A Princess

Caroline contemplated her options.

She could, with the blessing of the church and the backing of the most consequential families, fall in line with her father's wishes, marry the homosexual, 14 year old son of King Wilhelm, and be condemned to a decadent court life replete with luxuries opulent and excessive beyond the wildest dreams of the ordinary vassal--knowing true love only in the margins while abandoning her free will as a necessary sacrifice to uphold the sanctity of the kingdom, the honor of her family, and the dignity of her gender.

Or, suicide.

She discerned no other possibilities.

No Remorse

Peter scanned the document, making note of the many black marks against the latest supplicant.

"Deceit. Petty Theft. Cursing. Coveting your neighbor's wife. Murder. Excessive Pride. You managed quite a tally."

The man laughed conspiratorially. "Yes, I was quite the sinner in my day."

Peter took off his glasses and stared down at the man. "And it seems you show little remorse."

"Well, I figure remorse is for the Europeans, or people from developing countries."

"Yes, it's true, God is an American. But when it comes to your final judgement, your nationality is only a small percentage of the evaluation."

Loyalty

Most people looked at my behavior with quiet condescension.

But while it might have seemed unimportant to others, Higgins was more than just a dog. He was a member of my family. He was my best friend.

The animal shelters couldn't help. The police scoffed. People I previously counted as friends suddenly had "things to do."

While wondering the streets, putting up posters, I met Barbara. A complete stranger, she listened to my pathetic tale and agreed to help me search. A year later, we were married.

Even today, I would trade twenty years of marriage to have Higgins back.

Dead Of Night

"Never open the attic door."

It was the number one family rule, one hammered into Simon from the time he could walk.

The caution seemed excessive. If the heavy padlock were not enough to keep Simon out of the attic, the whispered voices he heard in the dead of night on his way to the bathroom certainly were.

When his sister was killed, brotherly love succeeded where simple curiosity failed. Not two weeks after the funeral, he heard her calling to him from the attic.

Simon quickly learned why "Never open the attic door" was the number one family rule.

You Get What You Deserve, Eventually

The misspelling had seemed innocuous at first. Reversing an i and an e hardly seemed a travesty. Sure, she received a 97 instead of a perfect 100, but she was only in fourth grade. Her chances of getting into Harvard would hardly be affected.

Deterministic chaos renders long term prediction of complex events impossible, despite the lack of random elements. Only with hindsight can omniscience be achieved.

Therefore, it was impossible for her to know at the time, for anyone to know, that a simple misspelling would eventually lead to the extinction of the human race.

In hindsight, she deserved an F.

God's Gonna Cut You Down, Version 2

Michael-- the commander of Heaven's armies, the prince of holy light--was the most powerful of God's angels. He was also charged with maintaining God's lawn.

The lawn, fashioned by Satan in a controversial subcontracting arrangement, quickly became known as the infernal grasses. Michael hated that grass. It grew in all manner of wicked ways. It was nothing more than a hateful weed that choked all happiness and serenity out of Heaven. It smothered angels and tripped up the righteous souls of the newly dead.

Michael eventually gave up. "From now on, it will be God's job to cut you down."

Scarecrow People

Joey always hated the scarecrow people, especially when everyone else welcomed them. They'll keep the birds away, people said, and tend to the crops. Scarecrows are made to work in the fields. It's their nature.

But Joey asked the tough questions. Where did they come from? How do they talk without a mouth? When people started dying, it was Joey who led the mob that burnt all the scarecrow people like so much dry straw.

When the truth came out, and Bill Bates turned out to be a serial killer, Joey refused to feel remorse. They were still better off.

Little Motel

There is a stretch of highway where the tallest foliage is a three foot cactus. Shade is a commodity nearly as precious as water.

Blake sat on the porch of the Sierra Motel, staring at the horizon. His vision plumed and prismed in the heat, causing him to hallucinate. Or maybe he was already in Hell.

Blake lamented having to meet death with the lingering caress of rough linen on his skin and greasy cheeseburgers on his breath, but like his mom used to say, you get what you deserve.

At least he'd gotten one last night of decent sleep.

God's Gonna Cut You Down

The lushness of heaven extends as far as the eye can see. The sweeping idyll possesses an organic quality only the most punctilious artisan could ever manufacture.

God dotes on his lawn with a paternal devotion. Most people consider the third dimension to be God's great masterpiece, but they have never been lucky enough to grace Heaven with their presence. God's lawn is softer than the softest hammock, yet firmer than the ripest peach. The waiting list to serve as one of God's lawn gnomes includes Albert Einstein and Napoleon.

But even in Heaven, the grass does not cut itself.