Moby Dick; Or, The Rabbit

Some said we merely followed orders. Others, the whims of a madman. I knew we chased a ghost.

We followed down the hole, and past that infernal tea party. We would circle around perdition's flames before he would give him up.

It was Ahab's singular obsession. To forever pursue the white rabbit that had trespassed onto his vegetable patch one autumn night so many years ago.

We heard him rant from the back of our carriage deep into the night.

"From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. Ye damned rabbit."

Scooby Doo, Where Art Thou!

Fred: Forsooth, the mystery's unveiledand the truth may be inveighedthat which proclaims your guiltis the spot of blood on your hilt

Old Man: The fault, dear kids, lies not with my starsnor with any lack of resolve in my felonious arts,but in your mysterious machine you came peddlingand in solving this crime have proven sorely meddling

Exuent Old Man

Shaggy: The mystery's resolvedand all danger dissolvedafter so much hue and cryit's time the Great Dane and Idespite being two such mindless 'tardsat last receive our just and due rewards.

Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, And The Founding Of The Republican Party

It was their greatest adventure, convincing voters the best way to preserve the Union was electing two barely literate twelve-year olds from Missouri to the White House.

Their first order of business was war with Canada. "We never liked them Frenchies anyway," Sawyer later said.

Next was enacting a mandatory deeducation law. According to Finn, "The principates of this here place we call America had best allow young people to be free on all days, not just Saturday."

When Aunt Polly found them out, they got the worst beatings of their lives. A second term was out of the question.

Bunny's Big Day

Bunny hopped across the lawn. He stopped and wrinkled his button nose. His ears twitched with excitement. He smelled carrots.

He was next to Farmer Brown's garden. Certainly Bunny was entitled to a few carrots. He had after all placed all of the farm's liquidated assets into an offshore account in the Cayman Islands for a dummy corporation, where it was insulated from the IRS. Bunny had saved Farmer Brown's entire plantation from immediate foreclosure.

Bunny wriggled under the fence, then hopped across the garden. He ate two carrots, wrinkling his button nose in delight. Carrots were his favorite food

Vacation

I'm on vacation in Beijing this week, so 100 words is interrupting Mashup month to post some stories that have been languishing in the pipeline. Enjoy!

The Mad Hatter Goes To Parliament

When the announcement was made, we took it as a joke. Surely, no one in their right mind would have voted the Mad Hatter a member of Parliament.

"You are not right in the head," proclaimed the Hatter.

"Then off with our heads," laughed the crowd.

The beheadings started soon thereafter. Tea Parties became a national affair, and the national coffers were quickly emptied to pay for wine and biscuits.

"But there is no wine and biscuits," cried the people.

"I have been turned into a scape goat," lamented the hatter.

And he produced a goat to prove his case.

Banner In Wonderland

Wonderland had an open door policy for precocious girls and white rabbits, and the occasional opium rattled mathematician slipped through, but for anyone else, you needed a special invitation from the Queen herself.

After last Tuesday's devastation, fingers immediately started pointing in multiple directions at once. An inquiry was to be held, and the Mad Hatter was arranging everything himself.

"When I say time, you must hold the inquiry," ordered the Hatter.

"How can I hold an inquiry when I haven't any hands," demanded the Cheshire Cat.

"Use your teeth. Someone must be punished for allowing Dr. Banner into Wonderland."

The Q Train

Dear Diary,

Carson Daly dresses exactly like a fashion magazine, and doesn't realize that makes him look like a caricature of himself. His vanity is exceeded only by his irrelevance.

Ayn Rand is scared to look anyone in the eye. She fears eye contact will reveal how much she holds us in deep disdain.

The woman in that ad behind her has the perfect body. I find that ironic.

Jackson Pollock hustles at the same spot every Monday morning, having spent all of his cash on the weekend.

All of them are riding the Q train with me right now.

Apocrypha Of Natural History - Act I

The Museum of Natural History is closed.  In exhibition halls, the deposed kings of the earth hold eyeless court over rooms emptied of all visitors.  All visitors save the Thief.  Quickly passing through Pleistocene and Cambrian periods, the Thief opens a utility closet.  Behind mops and brooms is another, older, door.

Stay out late enough and you’ll hear the wisps of whispers as bold men speculate on the apocrypha of natural history.  They say the Historians have protected their version of nature.  Somewhere, they’ve hidden the artifacts and evidences of the world that contradicts them.

The Thief opens the door.

Statler And Waldorf's Bogus Journey

"Welcome to Hell, boys."

The two old men took a gander at their new home.

"This place is wonderful."

"Bravo."

"I love it."

"This is great!"

The sweat started to stream down their temples.

"Well, it's pretty good."

"Well, it isn't bad."

"There are parts of it that aren't very good though."

"It could be a lot better."

The eternal torment begins.

"I don't really like it."

"It's pretty terrible."

"It's bad."

"It's awful!"

"It's terrible!"

"Get us out of here."

"Boo!"

"I know it's too late now, but I have so many regrets about how we lived our lives."