Moses - Vampire Hunter

“Now the Pharaoh would send agents, unclean and bearing the Mark of Cain, into my people?”

Although Moses addressed Ramses directly, the High Priest answered.

“This mark?” The priest pulled back his vestment to reveal the two dots.  “Yes, we serve the God-King.  For your disloyalty to him, you’ll witness the seas stained red - with Hebrew blood!”

With a series of violent involutions, the priest attacked.  Moses threw up his arm, casting a serpent from his robe.  It straightened in midair and solidified into an oaken staff, impaling the priest’s blasphemous heart.

“Behold - the will of the Lord.”

The Jedi Bride

The chase came to a sudden end when the Dark Lord found himself cornered.

"My name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Light sabers flashed. Young Skywalker struck the Dark Lord's shoulder.

"My name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

With all his foul tricks exhausted, the Dark Lord succumbed to his younger adversary, screaming in pain as his hand was severed from his arm.

"My name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke, I am your father."

"Noooooooooo!"

Cinco De Mayo

Don Quixote died a martyr.

General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín selected me to cross the great Ocean, and plead with the inimitable one to travel to Mexico and war against our French oppressors.

The first sign of trouble came when we boarded our ship. It was a small merchant vessel. He referred to it as the Armada.

The day of the battle he refused a musket. He charged into the fray on his dusty nag, with nothing more than a tin sword. He was trampled to death by a herd of sheep he mistook for dragons.

But Mexico was free.

Who's The Boss

“But why did you choose to appear as HIM?”

“I’ll answer your questions if you like, and it’s true that you now have all eternity to ask them, but my schedule tends to fill up fairly fast.  Are you sure this is the most pressing thing you’d like to discuss?”

“This definitely needs to be addressed first.”

“Very well.  Simply – this is the Divine Form.”

“You’re aware there’s someone else who looks just-”

“It was not someone else.  I visited for a time, though I did not make my Presence known.”

“Oh.

So… did Jesus also look like Tony Danza?”

Fear The Germans, Even Those Bearing Gifts

Their hiding place had been unassailable throughout the war. The Germans tried everything, from those damned German Shepherds to the Brandenburg Commando units, but all the efforts to draw out the Franks proved in vain.

And then, one day, the enemy withdrew. Lacking any contact with the outside world, the Franks wondered if the war was over, or if this was another German trick.

After several weeks, Anne poked her head from their sanctuary. She saw no sign of the Germans. Just a giant wooden horse left behind as a gift. It was a time for celebration. Victory was theirs.

Little Red Riding Hood And The American War For Independence

Red waited on the river bank, her nervous eyes on the church tower, repeating the instructions to herself: One if by land, two if by sea.

When two lanterns appeared, she jumped on her pony and raced into town, shouting to every townsperson she encountered, "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

Unfortunately, her red riding hood proved a poor wardrobe choice, considering the enemy was particularly famous for their red coats.

Red became the first casualty of the war. She may have died prematurely, without ever getting to say goodbye to her grandmother, but she died a hero.

News: May Is All About Mashups

Welcome to Mashup month. Every 100 word story this month is going to be a mash up of some sort. As always, we will be accepting and posting your submissions. But if you want it to appear this month, it will need to be a mashup.

Enjoy!

The Face That Launched A Thousand Ships

On July 24, 1914, a disenchanted Will Schutz, filled with animosity towards Napoleon III, defenestrated him from the top of Prague’s Town Hall. This led Joan of Arc to rally the Huguenot forces and lay siege to the proud city of Ilium.

Joan, due to a congenital defect, was born with snakes instead of hair, and a visage so awful to behold that men were forced to do her awful bidding, thus saddling her with the moniker of the Face That Launched a Thousand Ships.

Needless to say, these ships were targeted by German U-boats and sunk almost immediately.

The End.

From Guest Contributor, Boris Gump

The Weight Of A Thigh

King Henry was becoming impatient. He always got cranky before his afternoon nap.

"Are we quite finished yet?"

"Almost, your Majesty. We just have one more."

"For Chrissakes! More? We've done the inch, and the foot, and the yard. What else bloody is there?"

"We just need to weigh your royal right thigh."

"My thigh? What's this going to measure?"

"Well, it defines the exact weight less than which you cannot trust a woman."

"Oh, yes. Very true. Carry on."

Thanks to Henry I and his new system of standard measurements, the British kingdom entered a golden age of prosperity.

The Boy Scouts Of America Guide To Making New Friends

Making friends is easy. Just follow these easy steps:

Shake hands with your potential new friend firmly. Always look him directly in the eye.

If you are nervous, chew gum. You don't want to bite or lick your new friend because your mouth had nothing to do.

Find a shared interest with your new friend. Talk about your favorite sports team, cars or girls.

Do not touch your new friend inappropriately. The Boy Scouts of America is opposed to inappropriate contact, especially between minors.

Now that you have made a new friend, plan an activity together.

Remember, no inappropriate contact.