Jodi Versus The Rain

Jodi watched the rain through the picture window. She'd never be allowed outside as long as the weather continued, but she looked and she plotted and she convinced herself that what her parents didn't know couldn't be punished.

She wrapped herself in plastic and stuffed her rain pants down her galoshes and even wore a special talisman that was meant to keep water away from her skin. She looked ridiculous but she was ready to take on the rain.

Although Jodi fought valiantly, she succumbed to the same fate as her great-grandmother. Witches just weren't meant to battle against rain.

Buzan

Buzan was an idiot-savant. His memory was prodigious, but he could not make use of the information he could recall. His parents discovered that he was an extraordinary pianist. He would play a piece through, having only heard it once on the family phonograph. He often “composed” pieces on the spot, some derived from the tones generated by the appliances in his mother’s kitchen, or his father’s shop. Most of his day was spent in the corner of the front porch playing rock, paper, scissors, by himself. The hours would fly by, and Buzan would nap on the porch swing.

From Guest Contributor, Thomas Pitre

The Mustax Pandemic

When the pandemic hit, we'd never seen anything like it. More than its destructive power, its peculiar behavior was what struck us as so frightening. We were at a loss to explain why it mostly affected adult males--a few women, never children--and seemed to be spread through barbershops and police stations at a statistically significant rate. No one mourned when hipster neighborhoods were disproportionately afflicted, but it posed more questions that we struggled to answer.

It took days before we figured out the virus was only attacking mustaches. We should have realized when Tom Selleck was the first to die.

Another Sign Of The American Decline

From a young age, Megan enjoyed the feel of new money against her skin. She would save her pennies, ride her bike to the corner bank, and trade them in for brand new dollars. Her mom would frequently find her naked in her bedroom, rolling around on her newly-acquired currency.

As an adult, Megan developed a gambling addiction. She fell into bankruptcy on three separate occasions and ruined two marriages, one of which was her own.

But when the treasury secretary succumbed to the latest bird virus, the president could find no better choice to assume the vacant cabinet position.

A Town Called Big Nothing

Rufino rode into view on his white stallion. The streets emptied like the receding tide.

He was considered a desperado, a gunfighter who roamed the towns, working for anyone willing to pay. Sometimes he was a bounty hunter, sometimes a cattle rustler, sometimes an assassin. They knew him by his tattoos. On his skin were inscribed the names of each of his victims.

Everyone in town had reason to fear Rufino's arrival. He could be there for any one of them.

When Rufino rode away into the setting sun, every single inhabitant was dead and his skin was considerably darker.

Thunder Shook The Bibelots

Ralph hated thunderstorms. Tonight's had him cowering in his father's study. Each crack of thunder shook the shelves, rattling his father's war memorials and the family bibelots, and left him cringing abjectly in the corner.

When the storms came, Ralph would rarely understand the reason. His father would have to explain, with varying degrees of patience, that hadn't cleaned his room or had embarrassed him in front of strangers or hadn't done a good job of listening.

But tonight, he knew exactly why the storm had come. His bloody hands and his father's limp body told the story in full.

Scuppered

Captain Fletcher of her Majesty's Royal Navy gallantly stood before the tribunal. If he was aware that he faced court-martial, whipping, and possibly even death, he showed no sign of it in his stoic demeanor.

This was, of course, not his first appearance before the tribunal. In fact, it was the seventh time that he had scuppered one of his vessels, and his commanding officers rightly wondered about his abilities to captain, though they eventually acquitted him.

Years later, it was learned that the true reason for his constant failures was that he just really enjoyed using the word scuppered.

The Hubris Of A Goat Leads To A Tragic End

So it happened that one day Goat and Giraffe were walking down a path together when they came to a mountain. A sign said that at the summit there was a magical treasure. Both Goat and Giraffe very much wanted to find this treasure.

"Alas," cried Giraffe, "I could never climb a mountain like this. My legs are too long."

"I will find this treasure and bring it down to you." And so Goat climbed proudly to the summit.

Unfortunately, once there, Goat discovered that the treasure was at the top of a tree. He cried bitterly at the irony.

Criminal Intent

Since the passing of the criminal intent bill, it is now up to the judicial system to not only weigh the guilt or innocence of any defendant brought up on charges, but also his or her intent. The reasoning behind the new regulation being that what really constitutes a crime is the purpose of the perpetrator, not the outcome. A person who intends to kill someone but fails is more culpable than someone who accidentally kills someone due to carelessness.

Meanwhile, inside the private chambers of law offices and courtrooms around the country, groups of extremely high-paid lawyers are laughing.

The Cuteness Of Kittens

The town of Kircastle had a problem with kittens, in the same way Egypt was plagued by locusts to the point where they covered the ground and entered every house.

The townspeople feared the profusion of kittens. Some suggested they set fire to the town and start again elsewhere. Others wanted to eat the kittens, seeing as they had managed to consume every scrap of edible fare within several square miles.

But eventually, the cuteness of the kittens won out. They decided to live with all the adorable kittens the best they could, even if it meant their ultimate destruction.