The Mustax Pandemic

When the pandemic hit, we'd never seen anything like it. More than its destructive power, its peculiar behavior was what struck us as so frightening. We were at a loss to explain why it mostly affected adult males--a few women, never children--and seemed to be spread through barbershops and police stations at a statistically significant rate. No one mourned when hipster neighborhoods were disproportionately afflicted, but it posed more questions that we struggled to answer.

It took days before we figured out the virus was only attacking mustaches. We should have realized when Tom Selleck was the first to die.