Ivanhoe - In Space

The crew fixated on the deeps of the sky.  Their opponent was 400,000km away and bearing down.  In five seconds the two ships would close the distance.

At 199,000km, hungry sensors licked the perfectly rounded and mirrored surfaces the ships presented – each scanning for micron-wide fissures.  The rival captain thought he found one first and, at 35,000km, trained 100 million joules on the Ivanhoe.  The attack revealed an uneven aperture, and the Ivanhoe responded instantly.

For a moment, the two glassy hulls were centimeters apart.  Then they were again impossibly distant – one, a smoldering husk, and the other, a champion.

Apocrypha of Natural History - Act II

Deep beneath the museum, the Thief discovers a cavernous warehouse – the burial ground of suppressed truths.  Searching the labyrinthine storeroom, the Thief moves past the delicately jointed skeleton of a thunderbolt hanging from the ceiling and the limestone fossils of clouds, dense with capillary beds.  Past tall shelves laden with jars of preserved fetuses that link man, not to primates, but to a race of loping salamanders.  Past photographs that prove mountains are the work of one very prolific man, now over 4000 years old and living in East L.A.  Suddenly, the Thief stops short before a modest little chest….

Sergio Leone Versus Time Square's Naked Cowboy

A high, warbling whistle split the air, interrupting the Naked Cowboy’s three-line act.

“Who’re you?”

“In this world there are two types of people my friend: those with guitars and diapers, and those with loaded guns.”

The Naked Cowboy’s gaze drifted to the pistol casually pointed at his head.

“Hey man, I’m just here to take pictures!”

The Man With No Name squinted.  He squinted hard.  He squinted into the sun and his eyes glinted like steel spurs.  The Naked Cowboy started to pee a little.  Finally, the Man With No Name holstered his .45.

“Put on a goddamn poncho.”

Missed Opportunities

The Universe may not be infinite, but it's pretty darn close.

Odds are, somewhere in the cosmos a ship of fun loving aliens can be found cruising the star systems. These extra-terrestrials are the most beautiful beings in the universe. You say it's unlikely, but in fact it's almost a certainty. It's simple mathematics.

The next generation of astronauts, or the generation after that, could be the first Earthlings to encounter these beautiful alien party babes. Unfortunately, every one of our astronauts is a socially retarded science geek. The party of the eon is going to fly right past us.

Total And Complete Awesomeness

"This place is awesome!"

"Seriously. It's the best place ever."

"So much better than I imagined. Like your imagination is rendered completely inadequate by the fact there's no way to even conceive total and complete awesomeness."

"The omniscience is a nice touch. Really puts the whole thing over the top."

"Only one thing bothers me."

"What's that?"

"Why did we have to be alive at all? Why not just start off in heaven and stay here the whole time? Because not being in heaven really sucks."

"Yeah. If God really loved us, he would have skipped the whole living part."

The Election

Charlton Heston chewed through debates like a drunk cow gnaws at grass.

"Not only did I play Moses, but I could win this election with a camel as a running mate."

Afterwards, he was asked to clarify. "No, I'm not speaking metaphorically. An honest to God live camel. I've got one on the ranch, and if it isn't more fit to govern than my opponent, then this cow's had too much vodka."

Only after the election did the voting populace realize Charlton Heston had died in 2008. And that's the story of how a camel became President of the United States.

Kindergarten Physicist

Sir Isaac Newton had once again allowed his anger to get the better of him. For punching Lord Chesterfield in the stomach, he was sentenced to 9 months of forced servitude at the Trinity College Kindergarten of Cambridge.

As a man of science, Newton could think of nothing more unscientific then children, and life at the kindergarten proved unbearable. Most of his time was spent teaching the guttersnipes how to stack blocks in a geometrically pleasing manner, an activity which their infantile brains proved incapable of comprehending.

He would always refer to this period as his descent into the dark ages.

Reldresal The Giant Killer

Reldresal, the giant killler, was famous among his people. He slayed every giant that stood before him. His hunting expeditions usually involved a tremendous amount of Earth shaking, what with all the giant slaying.

But not enough giants invaded for Reldresal's taste. He dreamed of an entire country peopled with nothing but giants.

He petitioned the emperor to outfit his voyage. He would return to Lilliput with a trail of giant heads as long as the ocean.

Redresal's fame as a giant killer never reached America. His ship was swallowed by a bluefin tuna somewhere off the coast of Hawaii.

Mean Philosophers

Socrates Johnson hated almost everything about high school. The long winded teachers more interested in test scores than true knowledge. The jocks who would bully him for being too smart. Graduation could not come fast enough.

Only one person made school palatable. The young Alcibiades, with his famous matriarch, polished oratorical skills and handsome demeanor, was among the most popular boys. No one could understand why the future statesman spent so much of his time with the ill-favored Socrates.

In the end, Socrates and Alcibiades found themselves with broken hearts. The hottest love, as they say, has the coldest end.

An Undisclosed Location

Deep in the bowels of the Capitol, hidden in a shadowy maze of archives rooms and utility closets, there is a locked door. Most the Senators have never even dreamed of its existence. It is an undisclosed location.

Behind this locked door, a dragon sleeps. She is a decrepit old wyrm, fully withdrawn from the world of humanity. She is the mother of evil. She remembers the dawn of the world the way we remember breakfast.

Every six months, in this room, Dick Cheney comes to die. And every six months, in this room, a new Dick Cheney is born.