The Vestal

In ancient Rome, the Vestal Virgins held a sacred place. As long as each Vestal remained chaste, the walls of Rome would never be penetrated. But...

"Did you hear? One of the Vestal Virgins is pregnant."

"What?"

"Pregnant. The belly's showing."

"How in the world?"

"Everyone thought it was Marius or Septimus that did it."

"Did either confess?"

"No, not even after torture. They put other names to her. Claudius, Tullius…"

"I can see one of those guys being involved."

"But the Vestal denied it."

"Huh?"

"She said it must be some kind of immaculate conception."

"What? That excuse again?"

From Guest Contributor David Sydney

Standish

Tyler unfolded from the blue compact. His knees hurt. He had suffered this torture for one reason: to keep Standish quiet...forever.

Ten years as a bartender at the Capital Club, the city’s most prominent private club, provided Standish with enough knowledge to end important careers, marriages, and lives. That knowledge became an opportunity. It needed to be stopped.

Tyler walked in, silenced gun in his coat pocket. Standish was behind the bar. A shot rang out. Tyler crumpled to the floor.

“Thanks, Joe,” Standish said, smiling. A man at the end of the bar nodded, finishing his bourbon.

“Anytime.”

From Guest Contributor Gary M. Zeiss

The Cycle Repeats

There are no bruises. No black and blue markings. The damp pillow muffles my sobs. Berating me with silence, his brand of torture is debilitating. I cower in the dark. The smaller I get, the more his power swells.

He dares me with a narrowed glare, and I shrink a little more. I bite my tongue to stifle my fear. The spiral deepens. He said, I was worthless. He said, I was stupid. I am all those things.

I wait, holding my breath until the deafening silence has passed.

Then he smiles. I can breathe again.

Until the next time.

From Guest Contributor Violet James

Hell

Hell is the worst place you can imagine, because if you could imagine something worse than Hell, than Hell would become that.

When he’d been alive, Edgar had been obsessed with cheese. He’d also been a huge prick and made everyone around him miserable. Now he was being tortured with cheese. He had cheese running through his veins and was repeatedly dropped into a vat of scalding cheese sauce. Even the scent of cheese lingered on his clothes in between dips. They thought of everything.

Edgar's secret consolation was that Satan hated cheese. Even Satan suffered in Hell.

Reversal Of Fortune

I was seized by the worst criminals and forced into bondage.

My captors liked to punish me in cruel but creative ways. They'd force me to hold down a weighted lever that would release a cage door for a hungry tiger should I let go. They'd cover me in honey and let bears lick me clean. They'd fill my mattress with earth worms. They'd purposely leave open an escape route but recapture me at the last moment.

But none of their tortures pained me as much as knowing that it had once been my job to dream up these punishments.

Small Talk

"Tell me what happened."

Stan may not have liked small talk, but he always enjoyed discussing his own exploits.

"Your husband gave me a choice. I could admit what I'd done or he'd torture me until I did. Neither option seemed very appealing, so I disarmed Tony and shot the both of them and threw them out the window. Their bodies are still laying on the front walk. I'll take you to see them when we get back."

Stan didn't know how to be subtle. But neither did she.

"So do you want to get married?"Part Eight

God Save The Stars And Stripes

These are patriotic times and they call for patriotic men and women.

The Vexillologists always were zealous in their dogma and it should have come as little surprise when they assumed power. Most people celebrated, but the purge was necessary to weed out those who only publicly welcomed the new regime. There were still leftists and homosexuals who favored the old system, the weaker version of our constitution that had been perverted by judicial neglect. The Flagbearers would except nothing less than original intent.

Some say we are a diminished nation. Those people deserve the torture that is awaiting them.

The Tough Minutes

Gary watched the seconds tick away with an increasing sense of horror. He could not remember experiencing such excruciating tedium. He tried to distract himself with thoughts of more pleasant forms of torture, like being strapped to a gurney and having his eyelashes plucked out or listening to Yanni while getting a root canal.

The other people in line didn't seem to mind. They were the world's sheep, willing to waste away their lives at the mercy of others. Not Gary.

Finally his turn arrived.

"Sir, as we told you on the phone, the cable repairman will arrive this Thursday."

The Daily Theme from Figment for March 20, 2012

In "The Busboy" episode of Seinfeld, George refers to moments like letting the car warm-up or waiting for your hair conditioner to work as "tough minutes." Narrate a character's thoughts in one of these "tough minutes." What does he or she think about during those interminable seconds?

The Straithorn Home For The Emotionally Challenged

Mr. Jamison spittles at the slightest outrage until his face turns red. Mrs. Hathaway displays a particular shade of pea green--reminiscent of the Sunday soup--every time her medication’s late. Mr. Dunn has lived so long in the grips of his melancholia that even his clothes radiate the same empty shade of gray.

However, don’t mention these harlequin insights in the presence of Dr. Straithorn. She would never admit to her color-blindness, but it’s really the only explanation for all the torture. Even the idea of color is abhorrent to her. The patients all suffer for her jealousy.