Some Things Will Always Remain A Mystery

When Bob achieved omniscience in heaven, pretty much all the crazy shit that had never made sense now became clear. But as he sat on a cloud with Baby Jesus, there was still one mystery that confused him.

"You forgive everyone, right?"

"That's right," Baby Jesus said.

"Even those religious fundamentalists who preach intolerance?"

"Yes, even them."

"I guess they're lucky you're a forgiving God."

Baby Jesus giggled. "To tell you the truth, I don't get why they worshiped me in the first place. Why not go in for one of the more vengeful religions that better suited their temperament?"

The Sovereignty Network

I think of myself in the singular. Using we to talk about myself strikes me as monarchic.

When I first plugged ourselves into the network, I experienced what one might call a feeling of narrative omniscience. I no longer understand the world through a first person point of view. I now see everything with the polygonal eye of an insect. And I am no longer restricted to one place, but have disseminated myself everywhere.

I don't like to think of myself as a monarch, but plugging ourselves into the network was what allowed me to assume universal command of Earth.

You Get What You Deserve, Eventually

The misspelling had seemed innocuous at first. Reversing an i and an e hardly seemed a travesty. Sure, she received a 97 instead of a perfect 100, but she was only in fourth grade. Her chances of getting into Harvard would hardly be affected.

Deterministic chaos renders long term prediction of complex events impossible, despite the lack of random elements. Only with hindsight can omniscience be achieved.

Therefore, it was impossible for her to know at the time, for anyone to know, that a simple misspelling would eventually lead to the extinction of the human race.

In hindsight, she deserved an F.

No Surprises

Sherlock Holmes perfected the art of deduction to the point that he wielded a peculiar form of omniscience over existence. Through his careful, some would say obsessive, calculations and observations, Holmes anticipated even the most esoteric of events before they occurred.

Centuries later, chaos theorists would pour over his extant journals. They became fascinated by his predictions, sometimes so specific that his diary entries anticipated their own research into his system of ideas.

But what they saw as a nearly divine intuition of the universe, Holmes viewed as a curse.

He lived his life bereft of the pleasure of surprise.

Total And Complete Awesomeness

"This place is awesome!"

"Seriously. It's the best place ever."

"So much better than I imagined. Like your imagination is rendered completely inadequate by the fact there's no way to even conceive total and complete awesomeness."

"The omniscience is a nice touch. Really puts the whole thing over the top."

"Only one thing bothers me."

"What's that?"

"Why did we have to be alive at all? Why not just start off in heaven and stay here the whole time? Because not being in heaven really sucks."

"Yeah. If God really loved us, he would have skipped the whole living part."