New Neighbors

Nobody’d said okay to the infamous moving in, but who should drive up but Bonnie and Clyde in their 1934 Ford, parking it in their 21st Century driveway? What were we to do with the notorious couple but invite them to our pot luck dinner, held alfresco every Wednesday evening? We were all enjoying delicious tiramisu when Charlene showed up late with her high-strung Doxie, yapping and nipping at Bonnie, who whipped out her .38 Special and shot, missing the dog by a mile, or maybe 238,00 of them. As just then, across the sky sailed half a bloody moon.

From Guest Contributor Linda Lowe

From Treadmill To Rowing Machine

Charlie researched the treadmill market. He was intent on good habits from thereon, starting with a mile walk per day in the bedroom.

"Do you think you'll last even a month?" asked Cheryl. Two months later, she noted that it made a great drying rack for his shirts and undershirts.

Nothing is as firm as a habit. Charlie researched exercise bikes. A 5-mile ride in the morning was the way to start a day. "That thing," said Cheryl after two months, "is perfect for drying pants and pillowcases."

The rowing machine – the next purchase – was better yet for drying socks.

From Guest Contributor David Sydney

Marathon Man

I lace up my trainers; the park beckons me.

My new Runmaster 3000 watch. Mary's times improved dramatically usingthe mind control feature. Now it's my turn.

A gust of wind blows the instructions out of my hand. Oh well. Howcomplicated can a running watch be?

I press a button. My body starts stretching. “Run.” I do; my techniqueis perfect.

“One mile completed; Nine hundred and ninety-nine miles remaining.”

Oops.

I try to press the button, but my arms swing forwards and backwardslike pistons. “Stop! Halt! Reset! Help!?!?”

“Two miles completed; Nine hundred and ninety-eight miles remaining.”

From Guest Contributor Ross Clement