God's Gonna Cut You Down

The lushness of heaven extends as far as the eye can see. The sweeping idyll possesses an organic quality only the most punctilious artisan could ever manufacture.

God dotes on his lawn with a paternal devotion. Most people consider the third dimension to be God's great masterpiece, but they have never been lucky enough to grace Heaven with their presence. God's lawn is softer than the softest hammock, yet firmer than the ripest peach. The waiting list to serve as one of God's lawn gnomes includes Albert Einstein and Napoleon.

But even in Heaven, the grass does not cut itself.

Mr. Flanagan’s Lawn Gnomes

Mr. Flanagan's yard was famous for its lawn gnomes. Every child on the block knew the tiny mischief-makers loved to drag unwary passersby into the yard and subjugate them to all manners of horror.

Bobby O'Shea supposedly disappeared while picking crabapples straight from the branch. Seamus Kennedy refused to say how he got his broken foot, but Mr. O’Leary had forced him to deliver groceries to Flanagan’s front door the day before. The gnomes bullied away lunch money and tricked children out of their shoes.

In hindsight, using Flanagan’s hedge as our homerun fence was almost certainly a bad idea.