A Story In
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Two Emperor Penguins
After laying her egg, the female Emperor penguin spends at least two months at sea gorging on silverfish. The unfed male then incubates the egg for that entire time in the penguin colony. Ed and Fred were two Emperor penguins...
"I'm really sick of sitting on this thing and living off my body fat, Fred."
"It gets really uncomfortable, especially in the sensitive parts down there, Ed."
"Do you ever dream of silverfish – just eating silverfish all the time?"
"Do you know what's odd, Ed?”
"What?"
"After sitting here so long, all I seem to dream about is scrambled eggs."
From Guest Contributor David Sydney
While At AL'S Counter
“Otto, look at that.”
Stan and Otto were at AL'S DINER, side by side at the uneven linoleum counter. Stan pointed with his spoon.
“Is that a fly in my soup?”
Both studied the chipped bowl and the small thing squirming in it.
“Seems more like an ant, Stan.”
“With wings?”
“Sure...Lots of ants have them. Is that the chicken soup?”
“No, clam chowder”
All soups looked alike at AL'S.
“Clam, huh?”
They stopped eating. Otto decided against dipping his fingers in the bowl to see.
“I'm pretty sure it's an ant, Stan...The flies don't seem to enjoy Al's chowder.”
From Guest Contributor David Sydney
You Know Birds
“Look, Ed. the Sun's coming out.”
“The Sun, huh?”
Actually, it had been out, fusing protons into helium nuclei in its core. Daily, unendingly, for billions of years, it kept at it. Cloud cover had temporarily blocked Edna's view.
“Look at the trees. Let's go out on the patio, Ed.”
Squinting, she turned from the window.
“But the birds in the trees like to crap on me, Edna.”
It was true. They aimed for Ed's head especially.
“Yeah, Ed. But they'll hold off.”
“What?”
“Your hair's a mess...You know birds. They'd rather splatter you after your shampoo, not now.”
From Guest Contributor David Sydney
Their Saturday Morning Walk
“How was it Ed?”
By 10:30, Ed returned with Frodo, after their Saturday morning walk. Frodo, a Labrador retriever, immediately went to his food dish.
“I played fetch with Frodo in the park. He chased a squirrel, Edna, and they ran into the middle of a parade. I caught him, then we went by Sawyer's place.”
“Was his forsythia in bloom?”
Cornelius Sawyer had an almost pathological attraction to his bush.
“Yeah...Frodo peed all over it, Edna. Then Sawyer threw a brick at him.”
“That was it?”
“No, he threw a tennis racket at me.”
“Oh...So, nothing unusual.”
From Guest Contributor David Sydney
Where's Frank?
It was 2:30. AL'S BAR opened at 3:00. Al, sitting by the counter, squinted at the door.
“Is that you, Edna? We're closed.”
The place was poorly lit.
“I know. I just wondered if Frank was here last night. He found some money I hid. I figured he must have gone out drinking.”
“Maybe he went to the track?”
“Nah, not enough money.”
“I didn't see him. Did you try THE TOP HAT or LEO'S LOUNGE?”
“No.”
“How about TED'S PLACE.”
“No way, Al. It wasn't much money, and you know Frank. He only goes to crummy places like this...”
From Guest Contributor David Sydney
A Diner Problem
Ralph and Rayette were at breakfast, with Ralph treating. He called the waiter over to their booth with its plywood table top.
“Is something the matter?”
“I'll say...Rayette, here, just saw another fly by her oatmeal."
Ralph had the eggs, and Rayette the oatmeal.
“What kind of place is this that has so many flies?”
“Many? What’d you mean by ‘many’?”
Rayette said she saw about five, maybe six of them.
Dismissively the waiter frowned.
“Six? You think six flies is a lot? You should see the number of ‘em in the kitchen...Especially around the pot of oatmeal.”From Guest Contributor David Sydney
After The Verdict
“Mr. Bromley, before I sentence you, do you have anything to say to this Court?”
“I'm innocent, Your Honor.”
“I meant anything more than that nonsense. You've been found guilty by a jury of your peers. You understand, don't you?”
“I think I would've done better with a different lawyer.”
“By the way...Why did you choose your brother-in-law, Mr. Bromley?”
“Because, Your Honor, my sister-in-law cost a lot more. But I tell you, I'm innocent.”
“I told you to stop saying that.”
“Your Honor...”
“Yes...”
“Maybe if I'd offered a better bribe? Would that have made all the difference?”
From Guest Contributor David Sydney
Breakfast
“Mel, you don't happen to have any rat poison on you, do you?”
“What'd you mean by that?”
“Well...it's a kind of poison that you use on...”
“I know what rat poison is, Ed.”
They were at the counter of AL'S DINER, eating their breakfasts.
“You don't need to get upset.”
“Look, Ed, I'm trying to finish my oatmeal.”
“I know. But I asked Marge already.”
Marge was the waitress.
“She said they didn't have any to take care of the rat that's been running around the place this morning.”
“What?”
“The one there...That one, by your foot.”
From Guest Contributor David Sydney
The Bigger
It was just before the bout between Lefty Louie and Bonecrusher Rocco. Both fighters were in their corners. Louie's manager, Al, offered his last words of advice...
“Remember, Louie, the bigger they are...”
Bonecrusher was big all right. Huge head, bull neck, massive right hand, and a 15-0 record, all by knockouts.
“Got it, Al. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.”
Al added a few more lines of disbelief to his face.
“What'd you mean, Louie?”
“Fall, Al. The bigger they are, the harder...”
“No, Louie, hit. Remember, it's hit. The bigger they are, the harder they hit...”
From Guest Contributor David Sydney
Ed's Choice
“If you were a fly, Ed...”
“What'd you mean, a fly?”
“I'm just asking.”
They were at AL'S DINER. The waitress had not yet taken their orders. Ed knew his flies. That's why Mel asked.
“So, if you were a fly, would you go for the scrambled eggs or Al's oatmeal?”
“A fly, huh, Mel?”
“Yeah… Just a regular house fly.”
“Well, I guess the eggs. Now, of course, a horse fly...That might be different.”
“Nah...I'm only interested in regular flies, Ed. I don't see that many horse flies, compared to the usual house flies, in here today.”
From Guest Contributor David Sydney
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