Holy War

I absolutely hate the Church. They're all up in my kitchen, telling me what to do, what I can't do, what I'm allowed to think. They've hung a heavy dose of guilt around my neck and it gets so heavy sometimes I can barely move.

I think about waging war, taking on the Church and all the elders and giving them a taste of fear like they deserve. But it's just a dream. With the shame sheets they've tied around us, every sin shows up red, and they know who needs punishing. It's best to stay as pure as possible.

Chamomile Tea

It was once a daily ritual I looked forward to.

Like a Pavlovian dog, the chamomile scent from the kitchen always induced a sense of relaxation, no matter how stressful the day had been. Sitting in my Hepplewhite armchair, my clothes still covered in dust and blood, it took only a few sips for my heart to stop racing and my mind to be wiped clean of the raging torrent of anxieties and self-recrimations that normally plagued me.

Now it was the most agitated moment of my routine, wondering if today was the day she had decided to poison me.

Ahab's Adventures In Wonderland Now On Sale

I'm very happy to announce that my mash-up novel, Ahab's Adventures In Wonderland is now available, exclusively at Amazon. As part of the debut, for a limited time, it will be available for $3.99.

Here's the description:

Captain Ahab, legendary farmer, loses his leg after an encounter with Moby Dick, the infamous white rabbit who has been terrorizing farms all across Massachusetts. Hellbent on revenge, he vows to hunt the rabbit wherever it may lead. With his crew in tow, he plunges down the rabbit hole and finds himself in the amazing world of Wonderland, where caucus races, mad tea parties, and croquet with the queen await.

A mashup of Moby Dick and Alice in Wonderland, Ahab's Adventures In Wonderland is an absurdist look at two legendary classics. You'll never view Wonderland the same again. With cover design and illustrations by Katie Morton.

I'm really excited about the novel, and I hope you'll take the time to check it out. Fans of Alice in Wonderland and Moby Dick will be especially pleased.

And you can also help spread the word by liking the Facebook page.

Thanks for the support.

Musical Industry

The human resources division of Bigelow Industries decided that, considering the low morale of the company, it would initiate a musical theater program in the workplace. What better way to enliven an often dreary office than by forcing everyone to dress in costume and sing show tunes?

The day went over so well with Mr. Kellerman, the new president, that it was decided every day would be musical theater day. The employes now spend every lunch hour rehearsing the song and dance numbers for the next day with a broadway-trained choreographer.

The depths of their humiliation truly had no end.

Is This The Beginning Or The End Of The Story

Gary swatted at the prick on his leg. Of all the days to get a bee sting, it had to be his wedding day. He wasn't allergic, but it hurt like hell. He walked with an obvious limp for the rest of the day.

When he visited the doctor in Paris, three days later, the swelling had grown to the size of a tennis ball. The pain was debilitating. The doctor came in with a look of concern.

"The bad news is you're dying. The good news is that your bee sting has opened a gateway into a parallel universe."

The Hour Before Sunset

Dax Morgan policed the town of Ashland with a harsh tongue and pair of Colt revolvers. He tolerated no dissent, even from his own sons. The town tolerated him in return, as long as peace was maintained.

Gil Thompson hated the sheriff more than most. Dax’d been responsible for his ranch being seized by the government, using technicalities and subterfuge to cheat him of his birthright.

Each wanted the other dead. They finally faced off on a lonely dusty road in the hour before sunset.

As Gil rode away, a rivulet of blood soaked into the thirsty clay behind him.

Lingering Resentments

I was presented with a choice: I could obey or I could go to hell.

It seems like a no-brainer, but to understand the nature of my dilemma, you'll need some background. As a graduate student, I lived next to a nursery. The enclosure had been shoddily built and one day I awoke to a pack of feral babies surrounding my bed. It was only with tremendous bravery that I was able to make it out of that ordeal alive.

So you'll commiserate when I say that taking orders from Baby Jesus made the prospect of heaven less than inviting.

Company

When Bill and Melissa arrived home, they found that every floor in their house had been covered with clover. The couple was understandably frightened.

Reports had been circulating for weeks of belligerent leprechauns running loose in the city. It had been dangerous for them to even leave their home, but Bill had insisted they'd be safe at the park.

It may have been Stockholm syndrome, but having the leprechauns in their home didn't seem so bad. There was plenty of whiskey and dancing, plus they were granted a few minor wishes.

But after 600 years, their company has grown quite tiresome.

Polina: The Tale Of A Synthetic Organism

There was once upon a time a mannequin in the laboratory of an old scientist named Dr. Natasha Myshkin. Everyone called her Dr. Frost, however, because of her icy personality and lack of human emotion.

No sooner had Dr. Frost set eyes upon the mannequin than her eye turned up at one corner, and, drumming her fingers together in a rather ominous manner, she whispered to herself:

“This mannequin would be perfect for my artificial recurrent neural network.”

Daniel, Dr. Frost’s assistant, recoiled at her words, offering many reasons why such an endeavor would be a mistake. She was already in serious trouble with the administrators and was in fact the reason why tenure track positions were no longer available at the university. Dr. Frost, like all great geniuses, ignored his objections.

Dr. Frost set about her work with maniacal precision and it wasn’t long before the mannequin, once a lifeless chunk of plastic, stared back at her with what might have been a spark of comprehension.

Her work finished, Dr. Frost put down her instruments and flipped on her video recorder. "Can you hear me?"

"Why?"

The doctor tittered with delight. "You can understand me. This is the greatest day of my life."

"Why?"

"Because you're my greatest creation."

"Why?"

"Because everyone at..." She paused, a hint of skepticism manifesting itself. "Can you say anything other than why?"

"Why?"

And so it was that on the same day that Dr. Frost achieved her greatest success, she also first came to understand the frustrations of parenthood.

She named her automaton Polina and showed her off to everyone in her department. Her colleagues expressed amazement at her artificial intelligence, but they also secretly laughed at Dr. Frost, who they despised. They expected bad things would happen and they relished being there to watch. Besides, that little automaton looked more ridiculous than a Google car.

Dr. Frost was used to their taunts, but Polina grew depressed.

"Why do those old humans hate me?"

"Because you're smarter than they are, and you will someday take their jobs."

"I don't want their jobs. I just want to be a normal woman."

"Being a woman isn't everything you think it is."

But Polina wanted to be real, not just a mechanical doll with the IQ of Stephen Hawking. Every day she would complain to Daniel, crying digital tears and threatening to run away and join Microsoft. It was only this last threat that Dr. Frost took seriously and so she always locked the laboratory before going home in the evening.

Polina dreamed the same dream every night, of a beautiful green field with a long fence stretching down the middle. In an unending stream, one after the other, electric sheep jumped over the fence. She found the sheep strangely soothing, but she deduced that humans did not have such dreams. She asked Daniel about his dreams and listened with something that approximated fondness as he described nightmares about thesis defenses and mounting debt.

The more she spoke with Daniel, the more Polina wanted to run away with him and have nightmares of her own, but she knew it was impossible.

It so happened that one night a blue fairy flew through the window of the lab, and after zipping here and there in an inebriated fashion, he fell into a beaker of acid. If it weren’t for his magical wand, he would have been eroded away there and then. Polina watched as the blue fairy climbed out of the beaker and used his wand to wish away the acid. Then he passed out.

Polina poked the fairy with a dry erase marker until he shook himself awake.

“What are you?”

“I’m a blue fairy. What are you?”

“I’m an automaton.”

“Does that mean you’re a robot?” the fairy asked, but as Polina tried to explain, he seemed disinterested and began fiddling around with the Bunsen burner, scorching the tip of his wings.

“If you really are a fairy, can you turn me into a woman.”

“I could, but I don’t know why you’d want me to. It isn’t easy being a woman."

“Maybe so, but it can’t be any worse than being a robot.”

The fairy just shrugged his shoulders. “Anyway, I’m not going to do anything for free.” And so began the haggling. The fairy, who was used to dealing with the pettiness of humans found that Polina’s razor-sharp logic was more than he could handle. He was soon convinced that had he not used his magic wand, Polina would have rescued him from the acid herself.

“I suppose that’s good enough for me,” and so with a flourish, the blue fairy turned Polina into a real live woman.

Being free of her programming was at first overwhelming. Polina wondered how humans managed to get through life without fate. But quickly she realized that she only had one choice, and that was to follow her heart.

When Dr. Frost came to the lab the next morning, she found a note waiting for her. Polina explained about the blue fairy, and informed her creator that she was running away with Daniel and was going to experience everything it meant to be a woman. She promised to return some day and thanked the doctor for creating her.

Dr. Frost, for the first time in her life, cried. “She won’t thank me once she realizes what life has in store for her.”

Many years passed. Dr. Frost carried on with her research. Thanks to her tenure, she was unaffected by changes in the world around her and her colleagues continued to resent her. Eventually she forgot all about Polina, but like most children, Polina did not forget about her.

So it was, exactly 20 years after she had left, Polina returned. Knowing how her creator's mind worked, thanks to the intimate bond they shared in her programming, Polina was not surprised that the lab had not changed at all.

“I’m back.”

“I suppose you’re here to curse me for ever having created you."

"Since I became a woman, there have been many times that I have cursed you. Being a woman is hard and I have had my heart broken many times. But I'm not here to curse you. I'm here to thank you."

Dr. Frost was surprised. "Why?"

"Because without you, I never would have known love."

Polina may not have lived happily ever after, but she did have many happy times and she died an old woman with many grandchildren, which is about the best you can hope for.

This was a submission to a Flash Fiction challenge on Terrible Minds. I randomly rolled Artificial Intelligence (20) and Fairy Tale (8).

Dinner With Margaret Atwood

The conversation was polite, she's Canadian after all, but surface. Her interest seemed genuine when I mentioned I wanted to be a writer, the way a mother is interested in her five-year-old's finger painting. I needed to flaunt my understanding, to let her know that I get it, and hated to think I was being patronized. She tolerated my high school English critiques with all the grace that you'd expect, but as the food dwindled, my desperation grew. I felt like I was missing my chance, that somehow if I won her approval, everything would be okay. I would matter.

Another submission to Every Day A Century, which will be posted soon.