Chameleons And Bacon

The chameleon's evolutionary advantage lies in its ability to blend in with its surroundings. Whether it's in order to hunt prey or avoid being hunted, I'm not too sure. I'm not much of a scientist. I don't even know if chameleons are herbivores or eat insects.

It's kind of weird to think that some lizards actually eat plants and stuff. I know they do, though, because a lot of dinosaurs did, and so do turtles.

Thinking about lizards makes me glad I'm a vegetarian. And thinking about bacon makes me glad it's a vegetable because bacon is my favorite food.

Extrapolation

Jesus converted water into wine. It's true. It's in the Bible. I don't know if the wine was any good. I mean, did he properly age the wine as part of the miracle, or did it taste way too new? Does it really even matter? I hear even experts can't tell the difference in blind taste tests.

In any case, it's my god-given right to drink and get behind the wheel of my American-made Chevy truck, so I'd advise you to step back into your vehicle, officer, or I might be forced to explain the second amendment to you next.

December Massacre

They descended from the north in what was now known to be an annual migration. They infiltrated homes and attacked numerous places of business and seemed to be standing on every street corner. There was no escape.

It was called Christmas, and the invaders were all fat, old men dressed in red and riding on sleighs pulled by flying reindeer. They especially preyed on the children, who were more susceptible to their bloody attacks.

When they finally retreated to their Arctic home, they left behind nearly total devastation. Their ritualistic sacrifice of baby Jesus was the worst part of all.

It's All Newton's Fault

I'm not one to hold grudges but there are some things you can't forgive. First it was the constant stare-downs. I wanted to stab a spear clear through him, just to make him go away for even a second. I would close my eyes, but I knew he was still there, judging and taunting. He'd mock me daily according to some fucked-up schedule of his. I'd had enough.

That's why I started this war with the moon, a war that won't end until one of us has been ripped from his orbit and flung into the far reaches of space.

Election Day

Yesterday was election day. I went to the local high school to vote, but I was denied by one of the polling volunteers. I'd remembered to bring two forms of ID as well as a copy of my voter registration card, just in case the new voting laws made it necessary. When she still said no, I started to get slightly upset.

She claimed it had something to do with the string of severed ears I was wearing around my neck, but I'm pretty sure America stills allows for freedom of religion, so I don't know what her deal was.

Grand Targhee

The gods gathered on Mt. Olympus for an important meeting. Grand Targhee, the Titan responsible for holding up the Earth, was threatening to go on strike. Some of the more warlike gods favored a quick and violent response, but the others wanted to consider his reasons.

"You all can fly around the universe, have affairs, and fight in wars. Meanwhile, I'm stuck standing like a statue in perpetuity. I don't even have WiFi.

After hearing his complaints, the gods agreed to annihilate Grand Targhee. The task of holding up the earth passed on to Arthur Leibowitz of Albany, New York.

Anthropology 101

You hear the droning, a high-pitched whistle that keeps interrupting your sleep. It's your anthropology professor, bombinating about some god awful theory of ethnography that can't possibly be as interesting as the dream you're having.

You hate anthropology and its awkward mixture of science and philosophy. What does Dr. Dunham have to tell you about modern-day reality.

And then you understand that life was all an illusion, that the reality may be that you are spending your last living moments in the Arctic on a scientific expedition, and as you die of exposure, the 100-mile-per-hour winds whistle in your ear.

The Heterodoxy

In the tiny nation of Genesia, every three years a heterodixist is elected. This person is charged with rebelling against all that the Genesian culture stands for by opposing every public decision in the most obdurate manner possible. In this way, the citizens are comforted knowing that at least one person must always be calling their government to task.

The heterodoxist is considered one of the nation's leading dignitaries. No one runs for the office willingly, but once elected, she is afforded great honor. The one drawback is that once the three-year term is over, the heterodoxist is publicly executed.

The Anthropologist At Work

We'd been on the expedition for months when we encountered our first Frost Giant. He was massive, as large as twelve men put together and three stories tall. He set upon our horses first, breaking their backs and swallowing them whole while the men fled in panic. His hair was thick with rime and his clothes--let's call them rags--hung off him like cheap Christmas ornaments.

Once the creature was done with the horses, he began on the men. His laughter filled the valley with thunder, but all I could think about was how he needed a proper bath.

The Grasshopper And The Eagle

Every morning, the grasshopper hopped from one blade of grass to the next eating as much as he could. Winter was approaching. In order to survive, he would stuff himself so much that he'd have plenty of nourishment to last until spring. He didn't want to end up like his cousin, who paid the price for his laziness.

Unfortunately, the grasshopper ate until the grass was literally hanging out of his mouth. A sharp-eyed eagle spotted the excess of grass and swooped down and ate him.

The moral of the story is never bite off more than you can chew.