The Anthropologist At Work

We'd been on the expedition for months when we encountered our first Frost Giant. He was massive, as large as twelve men put together and three stories tall. He set upon our horses first, breaking their backs and swallowing them whole while the men fled in panic. His hair was thick with rime and his clothes--let's call them rags--hung off him like cheap Christmas ornaments.

Once the creature was done with the horses, he began on the men. His laughter filled the valley with thunder, but all I could think about was how he needed a proper bath.

The Grasshopper And The Eagle

Every morning, the grasshopper hopped from one blade of grass to the next eating as much as he could. Winter was approaching. In order to survive, he would stuff himself so much that he'd have plenty of nourishment to last until spring. He didn't want to end up like his cousin, who paid the price for his laziness.

Unfortunately, the grasshopper ate until the grass was literally hanging out of his mouth. A sharp-eyed eagle spotted the excess of grass and swooped down and ate him.

The moral of the story is never bite off more than you can chew.

Jordan And Mandy

Jordan was a drunk who made sure everyone had fun at his own expense. He was a clown.

Mandy, on the other hand, was a goody-goody. She never drank alcohol and did her best to avoid late-night parties. In other words, she wasn't any fun.

Mandy and Jordan couldn't have been more different. The only reason they knew each other's names was because Mandy was a tutor for the English department and Jordan was trying desperately not to flunk out.

But thanks to Judge Smalls, they've been ordered to marry.

Watch Jordan and Mandy every Friday night at 8:30 on NBC.

The Road Of Temples

Basel stood in awe at the Road of Temples. There were spires and steeples and domes and banners of every color stretched across the horizon. Every religion and denomination was represented here, competing for the attention of passersby. A person couldn't take a step in any direction without being accosted by a virtual army of ministers and holy men wishing to preach the one, true faith.

When Basel stepped onto the boulevard, there was a near stampede in his direction. He was the first visitor any of the clergymen could remember having seen. Most people avoided the Road of Temples.

The Final Accounting

Last night, the sky broke asunder, as if someone had taken a knife and cleaved the horizon in two. The ruptured atmosphere peeled back to reveal a gateway into another realm.

I was driving to work when it happened. The immediate assumption was that the end times were at hand and everyone started clamoring to get home or escape the city as quickly as possible. Of course, if it was the apocalypse, I'm not sure why people were running. You can't run from your final judgement.

I kept driving to work. I figured the world needed accountants more than ever.

Lost At Sea

Raul's father was reported lost at sea soon after his son was born. When he turned thirteen, Raul set out to sea himself, determined to bring his father home.

After searching for many years, he found his father on a tropical island in the South Pacific. Despite his son's pleading, the old man refused to leave.

Raul finally returned home empty-handed and told his mother the bad news. Only then did his mother admit that his father was not Captain Joseph Blighy, the famous Sea Adventurer, but Old Joe, the homeless crack addict who roamed the neighborhood begging for handouts.

The Morning Edition

Morgan Durante always dreaded reading the morning paper. The headlines were of the normally sensationalist variety, with one important caveat: this edition of the news only covered Morgan and his life.

Typical headlines read, "Durante wastes another day of worthless life at meaningless job," and "Father does awful job parenting his gifted child." The people quoted were usually his wife or an "Unnamed source with intimate knowledge of the Durante family."

Morgan would have liked to stop subscribing, but it was written by his ten-year-old daughter and his wife insisted they encourage her talent. Besides, the reporting was always accurate.

Genie: The Musical

So Naomi found this old lamp in the attic. When she was cleaning it off, a genie appeared and granted her one wish. Before anyone could stop her, she wishes for her life to become just like in a musical.

That's all well and good for her. She's married to a handsome tenor (though I reckon he's probably gay) and every dramatic moment in her life gets played out in song form.

I, on the other hand, never get to say (or sing) anything. I'm just the guy in the back trying to keep time during all the dance numbers.

Berries

We hit a fork in the road after about ten miles. She looked at me with a half-crescent smile but I pretended I didn’t notice. I just kept lookin’ forward, as if I knew somethin’ important was coming my way. But it wasn’t; I knew that. I knew we’d probably make a wrong turn and be walkin’ here for ten more miles. She ate the raspberries and licked her fingers and giggled. We’d been walking all day and all she could think about were her damn berries. Her hair smelled nice. Your hair smells nice, I told her. She knew.

From Guest Contributor Cara E. Schulte

The Interminable Gecko

At nine years old, every child in the land of Baywater was befriended by a talking animal that served as a guardian. On the eve of their birthdays, the children would wait with eager anticipation to meet their new companions, always hoping they would get one of the cooler animals, like a tiger or dinosaur.

So it was that Stevie Jackson was slightly disappointed to learn his spirit animal would be a gecko. It was especially annoying as it loudly chirped "gecko" in his ear all night long.

At least it would scare away all the girls in his class.