Pickled Confectionery

Anyone who's been to the wrong side of West Virginia knows that just about anything can be pickled. The shop windows are lined with jars of pickled vegetables, pickled rattlesnakes, pickled squirrels, pickled acorns. They'll even take candy and Twinkies and preserve them for wintertime.

My grandfather was from West Virginia and he would boast they used to eat the pickled leather of worn-through boots. I'm not sure if he was telling the truth or not, but it makes me feel fortunate that today we have the option of eating at McDonald's. Though I can imagine pickled hamburgers are next.

Granular

Justin and Franklin had been roommates for six months. They disputed everything on a granular level.

If Justin wanted to use the kitchen, Franklin would argue that in the fundamental sense of the word, kitchen is simply a place to cook. Justin could just as easily cook something in his bedroom, say a package of ramen noodles, so it would be correct to say that his bedroom was also a kitchen. Justin would retort that since his name was on the lease, one could consider that the entire apartment technically belonged to him.

Justin and Franklin hated each other immensely.

It's A Pirate's Life For Me

The boat listed back and forth in the gradual waves under a massive, cloudless sky. Drake, scratching at his stubbled face, stared across the empty horizon. As the sunlight refracted in time to the vessel's movement, he could not spy even a mirage. The sea was parched of features, as it had been for countless weeks. Drake could not remember the last time they had encountered another ship, or his last sip of whiskey.

Drake sighed and went back to swabbing the deck. Life as a pirate was much less interesting than the stories had made it out to be.

Stardust

In the fairy tales, people go chasing after stardust because of its supposed magical properties. Legends are passed down of heroes anointed with the stuff and of diseases cured. There was one tale that my mother used to tell of a unicorn who had never tasted anything but stardust and you could ride her into magical realms. Stardust is the tears of angels, the remains of miracles.

Maybe there is some stardust in the universe that's like that, but I have found it's nothing but radiation and horrific burning. Leastways, it's the stardust that gave me all these awful scars.

Charlie Stiff

Charlie woke up unable to move. He wasn't limp like a sack of potatoes that could be thrown over a shoulder. He was stiff as a metal rod.

His wife considered it a fitting retribution or all his years of unyielding stubbornness. His doctors thought they had discovered a new, more virulent strain of tetanus. Charlie didn't care about the cause. Through clenched teeth, he tried to make it clear he just wanted a cure.

But there was no cure. Charlie Stiff spent the rest of his life frozen in place, his dreams of winning the limbo world championships destroyed.

The Dreamer

As a boy, Howard dreamed of giant spiders in his father's tool shed. They were black with red spots and the size of a large dog.

He'd not thought of that dream in years. But when the town was invaded by giant spiders, he realized his dreams predicted the future.

He'd also once dreamed that tornadoes were actually giant tomatoes. One of them landed on his preschool and smashed everything. He now expected a giant tomato to hit and wipe out the spiders before more of his family was killed.

It turns out that giant spiders thrive on tomato sauce.

Maximum Adrenalin

Jordan Acker feared nothing.

He attacked danger with his shirt off. He used any tool at hand as a weapon, whether a mop or a bottle of mustard, and his kung fu skills sent would-be criminals running and impressed every club bouncer and traffic cop he encountered. His heart beat pounded in his chest more loudly than his fists bounced off the walls. When he drove, people dove out of his way lest they be heedlessly run down. He was the latest breed of action star.

At least that's what he felt like while on one of his cocaine binges.

Balloon Pop

At the top of the cliff, Kurt ran back forth with a bag full of rocks, trying to pop any of the various-colored balloons that were floating past him. His sole task was to make sure that none of the balloons reached so high as to pass the tree line.

After a while, Kurt realized that the variegated balloon colors signified different values. For example, if he popped a green balloon, he was given a piece of pie. Each color offered something unique.

If his life weren't in such danger, he'd have thought this would make an outstanding video game.

A Phalanx Of Ducklings

A phalanx of cars had stopped along the highway. It was raining and I didn't want to get out, but I finally grabbed my umbrella. The smiling faces indicated no one had been injured.

I pushed my way through the crowd. What had stopped traffic wasn't some kind of accident or road construction, but a family of ducklings swimming in a puddle that had formed inside a pothole. They were really the cutest thing you'd ever seen. There was room enough to drive past, but everyone was happy to spend the afternoon watching them. Some of us fed them breadcrumbs.

The Original Olympians

The original Olympic Games started out of a desire to bring together the warring factions of the Greek City States to do battle inside an arena instead of on the fields of war. Each city would select its best heroes to compete in the most basic athletic pursuits: running short and long distances, wrestling, and hurling a spear or a disc. The champions would achieve the honor of bringing glory and fame to their homeland.

The original Olympic Games ended when a tribe of storm giants descended from the mountains and slaughtered every single one of the participants and spectators.