The Madison County Gentleman's Club Is Probably A Metaphor

I was banished from the Madison County Gentleman's Club for what they termed unbecoming behavior. There was no opportunity for an appeal, no three strikes and your out. One minute I was a member in good standing, the next it was all over. At least when my ex-wife asked for a divorce, I could see the warning signs, if only in hindsight.

Good luck demanding a refund. The complaints desk is located next to the breakfast bar. Members only.

I feel like there's got to be a better way to run a club. Evicted when I was just getting comfortable.

Mice In A Fish Tank

Few people actually like me, and one of them keeps mice in a fish tank. It’s my vocabulary. Gulls squawk. Sirens whoop. I use large words. It comes naturally to me. But others just think I’m full of myself, a showoff. My wife’s friend’s husband said he should’ve brought a dictionary along to dinner. He laughed as he said it, but everyone at the table knew. I felt I was back in high school. The adults were thugs in suits and dresses, and the girls covered their mouths when they giggled. There are tumors no mix of chemicals can shrink.From Guest Contributor Howie Good

Howie is a professor emeritus at SUNY New Paltz whose newest poetry books, The Dark and Akimbo, are available from Sacred Parasite, a Berlin-based publisher.

The Bigger

It was just before the bout between Lefty Louie and Bonecrusher Rocco. Both fighters were in their corners. Louie's manager, Al, offered his last words of advice...

“Remember, Louie, the bigger they are...”

Bonecrusher was big all right. Huge head, bull neck, massive right hand, and a 15-0 record, all by knockouts.

“Got it, Al. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.”

Al added a few more lines of disbelief to his face.

“What'd you mean, Louie?”

“Fall, Al. The bigger they are, the harder...”

“No, Louie, hit. Remember, it's hit. The bigger they are, the harder they hit...”

From Guest Contributor David Sydney

Wish

I cannot tell you how long it’s been since my yacht sank and I wound up here. I remember the storm and jumping into the life boat, praying that the rain pelting on my head eased and a ship would find me. I must’ve passed out from the cold because when I awakened, my body was muddy, freezing and drenched from the water. Sand and ocean surrounded me, and the boat had floated back into the sea. I was stranded on an island.

I wanted to spend time sailing alone.

Every day I wish I went to a movie instead.

From Guest Contributor Lisa M. Scuderi-Burkimsher

Gross Malpractice

No one had ever seen so many lawyers in one place before. It seemed their number was approaching infinity, but only because the sight was truly incomprehensible.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news. Our move to dismiss was rejected."

"You assured me the case had no legal basis."

"Yes, but that was before the issue of dogs was introduced. People seem pretty upset they don't live at least as long as people."

"The term gross malpractice is beginning to be bandied about."

God shook his head regretfully. Maybe the whole creation thing should have been more carefully thought out.

Don’t Do It

I tried to warn him. Several times. Maybe that was the problem.

“Listen to your buddy. She’s not the one for you.”

Instead, he hauled butt down the aisle. All I saw was the dimpled boy from our youth slipping away, oblivious of the cliff ahead.

It gets worse. Under the chuppah, our hero someway somehow managed to screw up his only freaking duty: stomping the bejesus out of a glass goblet — missed it by that much.

‘Twas a harbinger of things that came.

He hasn’t spoken to me in years.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have said I told you so.

From Guest Contributor David Thow

They Were Her Rock

“You can do this!” “Be positive.” “You’re not alone.”

An assortment of rocks made up the flowerbed in front of a tall brick building. Some were scattered, others piled, many with painted pictures and handwritten messages.

Walking from the parking lot was perilous at best. Cheryl navigated the uneven sidewalk cautiously, crunching ice under heavy boots, pounding stale snow into powder.

The front glass-door opened. Volunteers greeted at the end of the entrance foyer away from the cold drafts of the outdoors. Someone sat at the reception counter awaiting questions.

Cheryl’s heart raced. Her radiation treatment was about to begin.

From Guest Contributor Krystyna Fedosejevs

My Favorite Song

My favorite song died recently. I can still hear the tune in my head, or at least the echoes of it when I'm not concentrating too hard. I fool myself it's still alive in the world somewhere. The melody slips into my mind, like it's drifting off my tongue or from out of my throat or maybe from inside my stomach, like heartburn.

I can't believe I'm never going to hear my favorite song ever again.

People tell me I'll find a new favorite song. That someday I'll learn to love it just as much.

I hope that's not true.

Ed's Choice

“If you were a fly, Ed...”

“What'd you mean, a fly?”

“I'm just asking.”

They were at AL'S DINER. The waitress had not yet taken their orders. Ed knew his flies. That's why Mel asked.

“So, if you were a fly, would you go for the scrambled eggs or Al's oatmeal?”

“A fly, huh, Mel?”

“Yeah… Just a regular house fly.”

“Well, I guess the eggs. Now, of course, a horse fly...That might be different.”

“Nah...I'm only interested in regular flies, Ed. I don't see that many horse flies, compared to the usual house flies, in here today.”

From Guest Contributor David Sydney

Fake Spring

You'd think it was a beautiful spring day. The sky was filled with puffy clouds. The temperature was unseasonably warm, perfect for short sleeves. The air had just a hint of pollen, so that anyone with allergies needed to worry. Colorful buds were starting to pop, and every creature, from squirrels to songbirds to rabbits, believed winter was no more.

I would have smiled if I could. Heavy storms were just over the horizon. Thunder, frosty winds, perhaps even a burst of snow.

George would need to hurry if we wanted to bury my corpse before the soil froze over.