Gross Malpractice

No one had ever seen so many lawyers in one place before. It seemed their number was approaching infinity, but only because the sight was truly incomprehensible.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news. Our move to dismiss was rejected."

"You assured me the case had no legal basis."

"Yes, but that was before the issue of dogs was introduced. People seem pretty upset they don't live at least as long as people."

"The term gross malpractice is beginning to be bandied about."

God shook his head regretfully. Maybe the whole creation thing should have been more carefully thought out.

Elegantly Wasted

Tom was an alcoholic. First thing every morning he made himself an extremely dry martini: straight gin, but in a martini glass to feel classy. In the evening, he put on a tuxedo and drank champagne. Not sparkling wine. The French stuff.

Tom worked downtown. He took long lunches at the club and came back to the office smelling of mint and tangerine. He was a partner, so no one ever complained. Not to his face.

Tom considered himself a functioning alcoholic.

His ex-wife and her phalanx of lawyers considered Tom a threat to harm himself and those around him.

Capricorn

The stubbornness with which the constellations cling to the sky is the stuff of religion. Whatever your beliefs, that kind of tenacity can't fail to inspire the fickle and the insane.

Molly had never thought of herself as a sheep, but how could she explain why she followed him into that abyss? Was it his persistence? His loyalty? The sensitivity he allowed only her to see. Or just a refusal to read the signs even as they became more apparent?

The lawyers who decided a restraining order would be protection enough better hope hell is less real than the Zodiac.

Paradoxically

The time machine had come with many instructions, disclaimers, and warnings. Multiple signatures were required, acknowledging no one could be held liable for what was about to happen other than himself. His lawyers advised against proceeding. His priest refused to absolve him of his sins, both past and future. His children cried.

He steps inside.

He didn't bother explaining that everything they feared had already happened. He died before he was born. The reality they knew and cherished was not the reality they had known and cherished. They paradoxically clung to an existence that never was and always would be.

Criminal Intent

Since the passing of the criminal intent bill, it is now up to the judicial system to not only weigh the guilt or innocence of any defendant brought up on charges, but also his or her intent. The reasoning behind the new regulation being that what really constitutes a crime is the purpose of the perpetrator, not the outcome. A person who intends to kill someone but fails is more culpable than someone who accidentally kills someone due to carelessness.

Meanwhile, inside the private chambers of law offices and courtrooms around the country, groups of extremely high-paid lawyers are laughing.

The Legal Department

With a heavy thud, Kirby threw a thick file onto the desk, joining the mounds of paper already stacked higher than the tip of his hat.

He heard a sigh from the other side. "More?" a voice asked.

"This is the report on Tommy Evans you asked for. I think we can safely say he belongs in the bad pile," Kirby responded with a squeak.

“I miss the old days, when I could just keep the list myself.”

“Well, we can’t afford to be sued again. It would be the end of Christmas.”

Santa sighed again. Lawyers had ruined everything.