Above Average Wear And Tear

Pete grabbed his lucky t-shirt from the back of the closet and threw it on.

"I'm ready."

"You are not wearing that."

"What? It's a classic."

"It's barely holding itself together. It must be 20 years old."

Pete was proud of his vintage Pearl Jam concert tee. Sure it may have seen better days, but the real ones would know. "25 actually. I got it when they played Bridge School in '99."

"You promised me you'd dress up tonight." Rebecca sighed, realizing it was a lost cause.

"Why are guys always more attached to their old clothes than their wives?"

Forks In The Road

Darcy and I stare at Walter through shatterproof glass at the prison during visiting hours.

Walter’s handcuffed knuckles, pressing against his temples, are white. “Toasting forks?! Those thirty-inch-long skewers you use for toasting marshmallows?”

I nod. “I put them out with the salad at dinner.”

“How could you?” he sputters.

Darcy grimaces. “Sorry, guys. I didn’t mean to get expelled for jabbing people.”

“It’s not your fault, Darce,” Walter says. “Mom should’ve known better than to give you the exact weapons I used for the trail of destruction that landed me here.”

I sigh. “I was trying to normalize them.”

From Guest Contributor Susmita Ramani

School Day

First day at my new school. I wonder what the other kids will be like. I miss all of my friends from my old school; I hope I’ll find new friends here. My older sister Alice has it worse than me. She lost her steady boyfriend when we moved. Those guys down by the street might be interested in Alice; she was popular back at Edgeworth High. They look like they are the right age for her. Oh-oh, I’m going to be late if I don’t snap out of it and get going. School is a couple of miles away.

From Guest Contributor Doug Hawley

Double Decker

My name's Dan, but they call me Double Decker because one time I got in a fight and knocked out two guys with one punch. That was the last scuffle I was involved in because ever since, people mostly try to avoid making me angry. There was that one time a drunk guy pulled a knife on me, but the bouncers pulled him away before anything happened.

I'll tell you a secret. That double knockout thing never really happened. I just started telling the story one night and people believe it because I'm 6'-6''. Pretty funny, huh?

What's your name?

Lights Out

I heard the news today, oh boy. The sun has gone supernova and in six hours the earth is a cinder. Judy and I broke up, so I went to Henry’s Bar in the hopes of being some woman’s last chance. The one woman there was working her way through the guys. Her "dance card” was already filled. With time growing short, I’d give Judy another chance. She told me “Duke you should have gotten the message. I’m not going to waste my little time left with you. I’m in Jason’s bed making the best of the end of world.”

From Guest Contributor Doug Hawley

The Vestal

In ancient Rome, the Vestal Virgins held a sacred place. As long as each Vestal remained chaste, the walls of Rome would never be penetrated. But...

"Did you hear? One of the Vestal Virgins is pregnant."

"What?"

"Pregnant. The belly's showing."

"How in the world?"

"Everyone thought it was Marius or Septimus that did it."

"Did either confess?"

"No, not even after torture. They put other names to her. Claudius, Tullius…"

"I can see one of those guys being involved."

"But the Vestal denied it."

"Huh?"

"She said it must be some kind of immaculate conception."

"What? That excuse again?"

From Guest Contributor David Sydney

Heater

"Would you like another heater, Ralph?"

Madge, the waitress, offered to add some hot coffee to Ralph's half-empty cup on the diner's linoleum counter. Behind her, racked, were the assorted pies, the lemon meringue with only two slices left.

"I'll take some." Ralph half-smiled. "I guess that's like you, Madge."

"What'd you mean?

"You like your coffee hot, and your men hotter."

Bracing herself on the counter, Madge stared at him. Would Al leave anything more than a 10% tip? What were the chances?

"I guess we're a little different. You go for the lukewarm guys, don't you, Al?"

From Guest Contributor David Sydney

Thick Crust

The real Spartacus was among the guys who answered to that name when Romans captured hundreds. No photos on file—he was the one who looked like Kirk Douglass.

He’d take his punishment alone for leading the slave uprising. Except his men wouldn’t allow it. The Romans spread them out along the Appian Way, crucified.

Appian Way was a strange name for a box mix of pizza dough a few eons after the action.

No one schools Romans. That’s clear as he walks to the cross they raise. Still, he’d do it all over—break for freedom, die beside the road.

From Guest Contributor Todd Mercer

Bass Fishing In America

CONTEST WINNER:

The bass must talk to each other.

“Hey, I’m not going to chase those chartreuse spinners today. Are you guys with me?”

It’s amazing that creatures with brains the size of a split pea can outsmart other creatures that are supposedly the pinnacle of creation, or happenstance. Anglers driving hundred-thousand-dollar boats equipped with underwater cameras, sonar, and drones occasionally get skunked.

“Let’s follow those surface poppers right up to the boat, then suddenly dart into that network of rocky crevices.”

“Okay.”

Stealth trolling technology, GPS markers, anise-scented lures.

I’m really not surprised that the war in Afghanistan didn’t go better.

From Guest Contributor Mark Thomas