Die A Little Death

I'd told everyone I knew what I was doing. A real pro. So when the sound system had a connection problem and no one could hear the introductory speaker, my heart dropped instantly. Not because of the mishap. I could talk my way out of a mishap.

Rather, I had no idea what might be wrong. My boss was going to kill me if I didn't get this fixed immediately.

I frantically tested every possible combination of cable and jack hoping for a miracle.

At least the electric shock that killed me happened quickly enough I never felt a thing.

Burt And Argos

The news sent everyone into a panic. Years of cable sensationalism had afflicted society with a horrible sense that by paying attention to world events, they could actually make an impact. With that illusion shattered, the reality would take time to settle over them. Time that was no longer available.

Burt had stopped watching the news years ago. He'd accepted his futility and was the happier for it. Better to spend that time with Argos, his rescue.

So while most people rioted, Burt and Argos sat on the beach watching the sunset together, waiting for the end of the world.

Cable

I received a cancellation letter in the mail last week. My cable subscription had been halted. I found myself spending the entire afternoon staring at a black screen.

That evening, while out shopping, I discovered that all my credit cards had been stopped. I wasn't hungry anyway, but I was beginning to spot a disturbing trend.

One by one, every relevant account, identification, and social network deleted me from their databases. I was suddenly cast adrift, avatarless in a digital world.

It soon became clear that I had died. I didn't mind. What was the point of life without cable.

The Tough Minutes

Gary watched the seconds tick away with an increasing sense of horror. He could not remember experiencing such excruciating tedium. He tried to distract himself with thoughts of more pleasant forms of torture, like being strapped to a gurney and having his eyelashes plucked out or listening to Yanni while getting a root canal.

The other people in line didn't seem to mind. They were the world's sheep, willing to waste away their lives at the mercy of others. Not Gary.

Finally his turn arrived.

"Sir, as we told you on the phone, the cable repairman will arrive this Thursday."

The Daily Theme from Figment for March 20, 2012

In "The Busboy" episode of Seinfeld, George refers to moments like letting the car warm-up or waiting for your hair conditioner to work as "tough minutes." Narrate a character's thoughts in one of these "tough minutes." What does he or she think about during those interminable seconds?