On Behalf Of A Boy

Dear Mr. Pankhurst:

As you know, my adopted son John Wesley is only the second American to have netted a clownfish with a single-flue toggle iron harpoon. As a result he has been offered a scholarship to the New Bedford Academy of Utter Disregard for Marine Life (formerly the Herman Melville Institute for Misplaced Revenge). To compliment his coursework, I'd like to inquire about an internship at the Pankhurst Center for the Study of Severe Saltwater Psychosis and Alarming Aquatic Aberrations. I believe you'll find John to be handsome, alert, and fond of ribbons.

Awaiting your response.

Elliot C. Balderdash

From Guest Contributor Amiel Rossin

Abnormal

Ben's parents adopted him late in their lives. They fed him and encouraged him to make friends and planned elaborate birthday parties that no other children came to. They did their best to give him a normal life, but something just seemed wrong with him.

Eventually, Ben's parents realized they had been wasting their time. What was the point of adopting a child if he wasn't going to attract more children to their home in the woods? They could have just kidnapped him and baked him into a pie and saved a whole lot of money on clothes and tuition.

The Family

PB came from a peculiar family. His siblings included an elephant, an owl, an orca, a duck, two monkeys, a chicken, a snake, a dinosaur, and a snowman. They sometimes went on strange adventures, though mostly they lazed around telling funny stories to each other. He often suspected they were figments of his imagination, but he heard their voices even as he pretended to ignore them.

He decided he wanted to understand how he came to be part of such a family so PB hired a private detective.

He was unsurprised when the detective informed him that he was adopted.